What’s life without friends, eh? Friendship may be as eternal as the ever expanding universe, but it’s not a relationship that always runs as smooth as creamy butter.
Aparna Sundaresan explores some lesser known facets of friendship
When in doubt, make friends with people who have the same sense of humour as you
Friends are that precious group of people to whom we can say anything and with whom we can do anything. However, few realise there’s a more complex side to friendships. Friends are essentially other people, and people are complicated. All relationships need work to survive and friendship is no exception. While there is no one way to conduct a friendship, there are some ‘rules’ that apply to most people.
What! Why? Why not? Wouldn’t you rather hang out with someone who understands what makes you tick? One man’s joke is another man’s insult, so stick to someone for whom it’s a joke too! People who laugh together stay together.
But how? Test the waters; crack your jokes in a social situation and look for those who laugh at them.
Who does that? Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They met at a comedy improv group before working together on the TV show Saturday Night Live. Since both have a subtle, observational sense of humour, they got together well and became firm friends. Fey has written very fondly of Poehler in her autobiography Bossy Pants.
Great co-workers may make good friends but good friends don’t always make great coworkers
What! Why? Just because you get along well with someone as a friend doesn’t mean you two will have a brilliant working relationship – you will soon find stark contrasts in working styles, work ethics, ideas, opinions and problem solving approaches which could effectively kill your friendship.
But how? Personal and professional relationships work differently. You are more flexible in a personal relationship, but less so in a professional one because there you are driven by goals, not by the person. Say you believe all your emails should be responded to immediately, but your friend-colleague thinks it’s okay to reply to emails later; you two will soon be bickering over efficiency and etiquette and yada yada; it’s a trivial example, but little things like this tend to flare up into a proper war.
Who does that? Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. They were best friends growing up and decided to cash in on their fame with the reality show The Simple Life. Alas, during the filming of the show they had a bitter fall out and ended their friendship. The show was subsequently cancelled.
Know when to break up with a friend
What! Why? Unfortunately, some friends cannot and should not last forever because their company will, after a while, make you miserable and your life difficult.
But how? As said before, people are complicated. And they change. The friend who cracks stupid jokes might have been endearing when you were 12, but plain annoying now at
17. Here’s how you recognise a toxic friend:
* You often find yourself giving them multiple chances after they mess up in the friendship department one too many times
*They seem to want to gossip and b*tch about other people more than have a nice, regular conversation
*They insert their problems every time you talk about your issues
*They don’t respect your personal space anymore which you find extremely uncomfortable
*They blab your deepest, darkest secrets
*They constantly belittle you
*You two have no shared interests any more And here’s how you do the breaking up:
*If you’d rather do it the honest, upright way, sit them down, tell them you’re ending the friendship and why, listen to their side of the story and decide if you want to move on.
*If you’d rather do it the cowardly way, stop going to social events where you’re likely to meet them; put some distance in between – stop calling them, delay responding to their texts, make excuses to not meet them, ignore them online, etc.
Who does that? Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox. After being besties for more than a decade, they have apparently broken up. Tabloids reported that Aniston had been snubbing Cox for a while because Aniston’s fiancé, Justin Theroux, wanted her to give up old friends and make new friends instead. Reports quoted a source saying, “Courteney is sick of forgiving and forgetting. She’s been slighted by Jen one too many times now.”
Getting back in touch with a friend after many years can be a good thing
What! Why? Come on… don’t tell me you haven’t considered it. Everyone has a long lost friend they want to reconnect with.
But how? That’s the tricky part.
* If you and your friend drifted apart because of the years, just send them a quick, friendly message by email, phone or Facebook, telling them you’ve been thinking of them and that you must meet up when you can.
* Sometimes you’re so comfortable with an old friend that you pick up right where you left off and there’s no awkwardness.
*If you parted with bad blood, you have to be more careful. If you two had an argument or a fight and it was your fault, own up to it and apologise in your message before suggesting you two reconnect. If it wasn’t your fault but you want to get back in touch anyway, tell them you feel bad about what happened and that you’d like to put it behind you and move on.
* Once you’ve reconnected, keep the friendship alive. Don’t let it slip into oblivion again. Exchange messages, meet up often and stay in touch.
Who does that? Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan. They were friends for years until a spat in 2008 lead to five years of cold war between them. At an iftar party last month, the two reconnected, and have seemingly ended their cold war. Let’s hope their friendship lasts this time round.
One-night friendship stands are nothing to be ashamed of
What! Why? One-night friendship stands are much like one-night stands. What you do is you click with a random person (friend of a friend, or a stranger at a party), have a great evening talking, joking and swapping stories, and then go back to your respective lives. It’s more respectable than a one-night stand, isn’t it?
But how? It’s all about the magic of the moment – you have a friend for one night with whom you have a great time, no strings attached. When you slip back into your comfortable life of daily schedules and usual friends, you realise there’s really no place for this person.
Who does this? Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray. They have known each other since they were 11 because of tennis tournaments, but Murray, in one of his Wimbledon interviews this year, said that they only have a “professional friendship”. They meet only during tournaments and occasionally text each other, otherwise they’re not friends in the conventional sense.
Compartmentalised friendship is the order of the day
What! Why? Today we multiple friend groups – childhood friends, society friends, school friends, college friends, office friends, art/dance/music class friends, party friends, movie friends, etc – as a result of our varied interactions. And never do we meet or hang out with these groups all at once because, obviously, it’s too many people and not everyone gets along.
But how? Nobody can keep up with so many people at the same time. You meet with your different groups at different times to talk about different things – you compartmentalise your social life. Each group serves one interest of yours. And it’s not weird. That’s how friendships work in the 21st century.
Who does that? Angelina Jolie. When she wants to talk to someone about the issues in her life, she turns to Brad Pitt. When her kids want to hang out with other star kids (like Gwen Stefani’s, because they’re friends) she goes on play dates with those stars. Otherwise, Jolie admits, she is “not very social”.
Your circle of freinds is an autocracy… and you don’t realise it
What! Why? Analyse your group of friends very, very closely. Isn’t there one person who calls the shots on everything? One person who finalises all activities? One person who takes charge of the WhatsApp group? One person who decides who is and who isn’t allowed in the group? Yeah, thought so.
But how? Some people are natural leaders. And people always need a leader; it’s instinctive. Here are some signs you play follow-the-leader:
*You and your friends all use the same ‘lingo’, but you remember a time when you didn’t talk like that
*Whenever plans are made, you all look to one person to approve of them
* Every time someone says something funny or shares an interesting story, they want a certain person in the group to hear it
Who does that? The Beatles. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr were good friends offstage, but it was obvious that Lennon was the alpha male of the group. In fact, many people say that his marrying Yoko Ono and changing his interests broke the group up. That’s how influential he was.
Volume 3 Issue 2
