I like you a lot… since you and I are not seeing anyone, do you think we could give us a shot?” Ravi asked Nita, his friend for over two years. Both of them were silent one moment, and kissing the next. It made sense; they had known each other for a while and spent a lot of time together. They had completed their MBA degrees and were going to be in the same city for a while. The future together looked promising. It also felt like the right thing for the first few weeks, but soon Nita wanted more: more time, more attention, more emotions. The lightness of friendship was engulfed in drama and sex had complicated the equation.
Two months later, Ravi sat down with Nita once again only to tell her that he felt that they were best being friends. Nita couldn’t handle it; she went from numb, to sad, to bitter. She blamed him for asking her out and herself for giving in. What had seemed like a perfect decision was now a devastating one. They thought they could handle the relationship but it didn’t turn out that way. The friendship and the relationship both ended, and even now, they avoid each other. When I sat down to write this article, I knew pretty well how I felt about dating best friends, but to give this a more balanced view, I decided to ask my friends, young, mature and open-minded set of people. I received a lot of reactions, right from “why not,” to “no way,” but they all said that they had considered dating their best friends at some point.
“It plays on your mind, what it might be like to date your best friend. They seem like the perfect companions, you have the same ideas of fun and going that extra mile could make you happier” Krishna said. A lot of them had indulged in some making out with their best friends but deemed it a “momentary lapse,” or “fooling around”. Some who are over the hill said that they had made pacts with their best friends that if they didn’t find anyone by 35, they would get married themselves for the fear of dying alone.
In my conversations, I didn’t catch the drift that best friends were the natural choice of bed fellows or life partners. So when and why did they consider dating their best friends?
“Saurabh and I started spending a lot of time together after I broke up with my boyfriend. One day we lost a bit of control and guess we started dating then”, said Nupur, a 26-year-old stylist from Mumbai. A lot of people I talked to had similar stories. Then there was another voice from Ankita who firmly believes, “I have to be friends with my boyfriend. How else would I spend time with him?” But, best friends? “Umm, that’s a bit tricky, I am not sure if I would.” So while some of the people I talked to fantasised at some point about dating their best buddies, common sense prevented them from doing so. In one case though, the dating led to a long and happy marriage. Priyanka wrote in her email, “Had we not started seeing each other nine years ago, I wouldn’t be so happy now. It’s true that Sanchit looked at me after his girlfriend dumped him but who cares now.”
It seems odd that despite the time and energy spent with a best friend, they still don’t figure on the desirable list. My friend had a simple answer, “I was never attracted to her”.
Going all the way with your best friend looks like the most logical next step in times of loneliness, post breakup depression, on a wild party night or while watching a movie on the couch. The lure to transcend the ‘hands off’ zone in friendship is tempting, but when you weren’t drunk, lonely or emotional, did the idea of sleeping with your best friend still appeal to you? A best friend is a hangout partner or tell-all buddy, not someone whoyou were attracted to at first sight. And, maybe that’s the way it’s meant to be. The possibility of taking the plunge with your mate seems very compelling in times of need, but maybe not during times of fulfilment.
My friends also told me that one of the reasons that the relationship doesn’t work is the low desirability factor. “We had a go at it, when we both needed someone to hold on to, not because we found each other hot or anything”, said Uttam from Delhi. Clearly he didn’t mince words. The whole dating could be based on benefits or needs, as I figured in some cases, but it is not the adhesive that keeps the bond together for long.
Lavina, 25, said that her relationship with her best friend was a total disaster, because, “he became possessive”. That, she said, “takes the joy out of the relationship.” Some other friends also told me the same thing: that in friendship the rules are really different and friends don’t really judge each other, but once they were in a relationship, every move seemed to be under a scanner. It is a road to disaster because you lose a friend and you have to get over a break up.
When we break it down, we human beings love complications. We need to consider: are we prepared to destroy years of friendship for a few days of intimacy? Relationships are complex as it is, and if you’re fortunate to have a stress-free thing with your best friend, if I were you, I’d keep it that way. But, the juice in life is to experiment, risk a little and not take it too seriously. So, like someone said, “why not”?
“It plays on your mind, what it might be like to date your best friend. They seem like the perfect companions, you have the same ideas of fun, and going that extra mile could make you happier”
Volume 1 Issue 11
