Youth Incorporated Magazine

A love relationship besides being beautiful and romantic is also tacky and complicated. The complexities arise especially when infidelity infiltrates. Nisha JamVwal examines ways to deal with infidelity and takes a look at the complexities involved in dishonest and unfaithful relationships

Is a human being meant to be monogamous or is polygamy the natural way that man was to take? Was he intended to be with one person in a relationship ‘until death do us apart’? Is infidelity an aberration or should the spouse just look the other way and move forward pretending like they don’t know? Should a partner look at occasional dalliances as a breakdown of the relationship, or as a one-off diversion that should not be given much regard? Is it normal to be in other ‘friendships’ in a marriage that spans a lifetime?

When life itself isn’t unchanging, how can we expect something comprising ever-evolving human beings to be constant? Romantic relationships are not always as predictable and straightforward as is ideal. Intimate relationships that start with flowers and chocolates, metaphorically speaking, are bound to become complicated and complex, often involving paradox and inconsistency. While in love we might expect a partner to be completely honest, human beings value their sense of freedom and privacy. As time goes by, competing goals bring that contradiction that makes telling the truth more difficult.

Jaya Bachchan was one who taught all women that she has had the last laugh. Quietude paid rich dividends with her ‘stoic silence’ that kept home and hearth intact – despite and in spite. I’ve often wondered at the outcome, had she thrown tantrums and made an issue. Would it have given Big B a gate-pass to walk out with his sexy south siren, free from any need of an explanation?

While I believe the reaction depends purely on what a woman or man wants from a relationship when your partner cheats in a relationship it should not erode your self-esteem. These are all of the initial emotions that go with the discovery of the betrayal, but emotions change over time. The partner must remember that the decision to cheat questions the integrity and honesty of the partner who made the impasse. After that is internalized and established, the decisions made thereafter will be more objective and will define the long term fabric of the relationship.

Was the relationship wonderful and worth salvaging with the exception of one lapse? A one-off case may be overlooked, despite the intense emotional pain, if you value your partner. An affair doesn’t have to mean the end, as it can be rebuilt with healing, objective, and non-judgmental support, which can put things into perspective and help you analyze what you feel. Avoid a post mortem or going into intimate details that would only hurt you more. Postpone heated arguments until space and time allow constructive conversation as to why it happened.

Or was it fractured and the last nail in the coffin? Is the partner perpetually unfaithful and are you just chugging along in a morass? Push yourself to objectively analyze the relationship almost like a third person, and let me stress that there is no shame in seeking counselling to attain clarity. And please do avoid therapists who see infidelity as a marital death sentence – it isn’t.

The way forward is by working it together, where both partners must accept responsibility towards building a new foundation. Both of them must be willing to work at rebuilding the connection, where the partner who felt betrayed should ask of themselves what it was that they did to drive the person away. Furthermore, what steps could be taken to work the relationship better? After all, no person is a pet animal to be leashed and one has to want to be with someone, not forced to do the same.