Hellfire In Thy Heart?

No relationship is perfect, and quite often, the root cause of most relationships bursting into flames is the lack of empathy and a heart full of rage that we often shoot at our loved ones. Nisha Jamvwal explores the reasons for and consequences of anger in relationships.

What is it they say about words being the nurturer or then the death of a friendship? About how once words leave the mouth, they are pretty much like an arrow that cannot be retracted? I’m sure you’ve said some things in your life that you’d like to take back? But that’s the point I’m making- you just cannot undo the damage of anger and its resultant outflow of uncontrolled words. So the culprit then is anger, which just wells up in your chest and at that moment there is this haze that prevents you from sound judgment, doesn’t it? I know there have been times I’ve felt the welling up of unreasonable rush of anger and I’ve regretted the anger and its result.

Anger can wreck friendships and is, realistically, one of the biggest banes in a relationship. And yet we are victims to this disastrous temperament flaw that we just have to soothe, and ease out of our lives, if we want it to be smooth sailing. Isn’t it much better to sort out any situation with composure and equanimity?

THE NEED FOR SELF CONTROL

How many of us have had important issues, opportunities and bonding gone totally awry and out of hand because of tempers ruining a good thing? And of course, control only causes the flames to issue from the ears instead of the tongue. As you have guessed, it was the diversion from the anger or its cause, to the finding of the pills that cured the situation. That’s all. “Control” is a pressure-cooker tactic. Any of the marvellous win-win books will tell you the operative is to replace the negative emotion with a positive one. With angry unrestraint, one has, to one’s regret, lost out on opportunities, advantage, friends, (and these days equally of significance) household help and so much else. But what can one replace the rage mounting up the veins, with? Not much works!

When you are sad, consciously replace the wavelength to happy by reminiscing a happy moment, a visual of a funny movie or an absurd or lovable moment with your adorable pup or toddler salivating over your lap with delighted adoration. But anger? Even dire consequences sometimes fail good sense.

WISHES OF VENGEANCE

Wise persons suggest it is a longish duration task. Often anger involves people we deal with on a close relationship basis. You will agree that the intent to kill the aggressive cabbie subsides quickly enough because it is a transient moment, and each goes his way to the next preoccupation. But the painful regrettable moments of vengeful fury that has to spend its force, is often upon relationships closest to us.

Often, people, we hate to see hurt. “When I’m angry, my girlfriend can go to hell! But let her have scalding milk burn her hand – my heart agonises with more pain than she’s having!” says a doting guy! So anger is love gone to the opposite pole for the moment. “I’m unable to raise love at that moment.”

A PETAL FOR EVERY THORN

Understanding and empathy as a contemplative exercise, over time, help better our approach to our loved ones. After all, the moment is transient. And maybe the intent is okay. Maybe it’s a misunderstanding or a mistake. Empathy- often you find you’d have done the same somewhat in a similar situation? The third trick is to develop a detached spiritual tinge-we are all brothers under the skin. The same creator. Compassion is the key; imagine someone else lashing out at this close person. A turn-around, indeed.

When all is said and done, a replay of you in cool restraint of composure is a day well saved to your advantage and no loss of wickets. This re-play over time does prepare and condition one to familiar ground in a future clash. You’ve played through this so you can be on cue. Replace the negative with whatever positive that changes the charged wavelength. Best of all, be the blessed angel that spreads love in all relationships -intense and distant. It conquers all.

Read more of Nisha’s point of view at www.nishajamvwal.blogspot.in, tweet to her @nishjamvwal and write to her at nishjamwal@gmail.com 

Volume 5 Issue 4