Golden Rules to Ace Your Listening Skills: Steer clear of roadblocks

What surrounds us for the most part of our day, or, our lives? I’d probably get a bunch of answers along the lines of people, problems, stress, workload, and recurrent thoughts. Not wrong. Yet something’s amiss. We’re kept company by sounds, voices, words, meaning, and situations in which they occur. The average person hears 20,000–30,000 words every day. Research suggests that 55% of our time is spent listening. As far as quantity’s concerned, we have large figures grabbing eyeballs. Regarding the question of quality, have we turned a deaf ear to it already? Let’s hope not.

If we already know that listening is deeper, more intuitive, and layered than hearing, a sensory activity; it’s time for the next lesson. Communication, when done right, makes our lives easier. Since listening to spoken words begins the process, it’s only fair to play by the golden rules to have an edge over the rest.

Intentions in the right place: Listening truly, deeply, and completely lends an honest quality to us. If we listen only with the intent to contradict/retort, our focus shifts from content towards preparing an answer/comeback. It causes our minds to not fully register what’s being said.

Understanding is key: Aiming to understand the actual meaning correctly without misconstruing the said material, keeping personal views aside makes inclusive listeners and speakers feel valued, respected. It’s a commendable practice if speakers don’t endorse hatred or violence 

The Patience Test: Reaching hasty conclusions prevents the speaker’s intentions from getting spelled out clearly, just as it keeps us from being good listeners. Responses are often welcome, invited too; all it takes is waiting until the speaker winds up. Any behaviour that disrespects or interrupts them is uncalled for. How about keeping an open mind and believing that they come with credibility, especially in a conference, lecture, or any occasion where we stand to learn from their words? An added advantage is that listening helps make a mental note of the points. Later, when interaction/discussion commences, we can refer to points that may have felt out of place. This is when we can put forth the reason behind our disagreement. It sounds more objective, doesn’t it?

Neutrality all the way: Staying value neutral is central to effective listening as our views get shaped by a range of factors that differ for every person. When we refrain from applying our own judgment, it keeps prejudiced thoughts out of the picture. Listening with a biased point of view leads us to frame false narratives. Misunderstanding is just one step away from here. It’s best when we don’t pre-estimate the speaker’s potential/skills at the onset, especially when it’s an event that we’re attending. Who knows, we might end up forming a totally different opinion by the time they finish speaking.

Actions speak louder than words: If our words have a direct bearing on how we’re perceived, so do our actions. What happens when either of them is inconsistent with the other? Nothing much. Disaster strikes, that’s all. To avert the crisis, our body language should be unbiased. Walking away or making mean or insulting gestures must be avoided since our attitude speaks, from the moment we begin listening till we respond. Anger too, can be expressed maturely. Losing temper, however, isn’t the smartest option in a professional scenario. 

Tone matters: If we decide to ask a question, it shouldn’t be directed with an intention to solely grill the speaker. Even as we step into a conversation and come up with opposing points, it’s in everybody’s best interests if we choose prudence over tactlessness. A tone expressing genuine confusion is far from a sardonic one. Remembering the difference helps. 

A few trouble-free tips act as lifesavers when we face roadblocks along the way. These red flags, if we could call them that, come up spontaneously in conversations without us wishing ill upon the other person. It becomes even more necessary to watch out for them to not get ambushed. These are:

• Warning/Threatening the speaker in moments where we think they’re trying to create some influence or we simply disagree.

• Ordering, someone while they’re speaking, reflects disregard for them. The intention behind commanding them to do something could be an act of manipulation or to stop them from speaking. 

• Advising, when unsolicited, takes away from the therapeutic effect that listening wholeheartedly can create. It’s unnecessary as it disrupts the speaker’s flow. Advising could come from a place where listeners feel the need to correct/fix people, believing that they know more. That makes it a counterproductive exercise. If at all situations demand them to offer advice, one must know the correct way to do so, with the voice of humility never leaving their side. 

• Judging has always been in picture. While some are more explicit, others don’t speak their minds. When we find something controversial or disagreeable, judgment pops out into the open, trespassing into others’ personal lives. Drawing an inference on the kind of person someone is, when we know too little of them, is inappropriate. It affects objectivity as we reject whatever they say, losing the ability to evaluate the merit of it. Neutrality of opinion goes for a toss.

• Arguing without context and prematurely is totally unwanted. A question asked should be accompanied by relevance.

• Shaming is name-calling on a public domain to intimidate the one it’s directed at. Character assassination of a person could be shattering and proves that the slanderer is looking to create nuisance. Above all, they convey that they’re a bad communicator. 

• Distracting through gestures, non-verbal cues, eye movements which interfere with the speaker’s flow, choice of words or even worse, their overall preparedness.

• Unnecessary investigation, is an over-curious trait where listeners try to probe hard, fish for information, even in an informal conversation, to the point of not respecting the speaker’s privacy. 

It’s upon us to recognise our behavioural patterns, to regulate, balance, work on the faulty ones. Raising our standard higher, it makes us the listener we know we can be.