Youth Incorporated Magazine

Relationships, while gratifying and blissful, sometimes take a turn for the worse and become futile. At such times, it is best to sever the relationship ties, but this is easier said than done. Nisha JamVwal offers her sage advice on handling a break-up

No guarantees
Yes, endings happen all the time all over the world. If it hasn’t worked, chances are it won’t in the future either. A tabloid has it that Deepika Padukone, when asked who she would rate higher, a beau or her father, answered it would be her father. At least she’s sure he’s there for keeps. Relationships these days are increasingly transient and fragile. Can breakups be about ‘parting as friends’ or, even if initially acrimonious, can outgrow the raw hurt, resentment and betrayal to find a semblance of friendship? Having shared so much together, logically one would expect so. But often the outcome is vitriolic.
Without personal attack and misunderstanding, with restraint and maturity, it is possible to be friends. It is not simple, such things being highly individual, but it is do-able.

Just friends, no fuss
It is difficult to be just friends with high octane passion that has passed a short while ago. And you might be in love still when you realise that it is more constructive to move on with life. The best way is that you restrain aggression. I don’t agree that arrow-like words must be shot to pierce each other’s hearts. A break-up does not mean you take what was sacred to the gutter.

Low self-esteem, rejection, stress and depression are already side effects of a break-up, so why pile on the tough times with argumentative abuse and bad mouthing? You do hold the power to inflict pain upon the person, but it will also make you into a ghoulish memory in their mind by upstaging that which was once a delightful romance.

Making the break
I’d recommend ensuring that there is no way to make it work before the decision to quit. Once that is a surety, discuss and try to work-out the exit route together without disrespect, and what your common standpoint will be. Always talk through the reasons with honesty and clarity, and if things are getting very difficult have a third person present. It is unnecessary to create a list of all the things you hated about the person, the mistakes they made or the behaviour you loathed, because she or he will soon not be yours to reform. Let your partner go with a lingering fragrant memory of the joie de vivre that you shared.

When does a couple part ways?
When your relationship problems are difficult to deal with and you know you will be happier when you are parted. The first rule toward an amicable parting is to stay silent rather than say something hurtful like ‘there are many fish in the sea’. I’d recommend that you don’t linger into a long break-up that creates a ‘neither here nor there’ situation. The smoother, kinder way is to be calm, talk rather than shout. Do not allow a ‘maybe’ situation to creep in your ex nor your own mind. One door has to close for another to open.

Moving on
Moving on from a relationship means putting each other on a limited profile on Facebook and not obsessively checking each other’s updates. A calm distance is comforting and amiable. Acceptance is the key. The ‘Let’s take a break’ route is a complete no-no; it is an avoidable escape route. Don’t waste time, rebuild and rework your life without false hope and waiting for a future that shall not be. Life is not worth malingering around with a toxic relationship.

Read more of Nisha’s point of view at www.nishajamvwal.blogspot.in, tweet her on @nishjamvwal and write to her at nishjamwal@gmail.com