Wordsmith of the month: Rameez Shaikh

Rameez Shaikh recounts his supernatural encounter with the with the late Steve Jobs.

A famous urban legend has it that if you look into the mirror and say ‘Bloody Mary’ three times, Bloody Mary will make an appearance (Duh). What she does after you summon her, however, depends on how sleepy the teen doing the dare is. So I decided to find out for myself, because I’m nosy. Here’s what happened……

Me: Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

*insert Steve Jobs picture in a mirror*

Me: Holy mother of the wailing Yash Chopra! Bloody Mary, you’re a guy? Wait. Aren’t you a little too skinny to be Bloody Mary?

SJ: Oh no. I’m Steve Jobs.

Me: Mr. Jobs! How did you land up here? I thought I summoned Bloody Mary!

SJ: BECAUSE THEY STILL USE WINDOWS XP IN HEAVEN!  I told them to replace those useless things but they just refuse to upgrade.

Me: Isn’t that your area of expertise? Why don’t you do it for them?

SJ: Because they refuse to pay me for it.

Me: But sir, why would you need money in heaven?

SJ: My father once told me, “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.”

Me: Ummmm. Didn’t the Joker say that?

SJ: No my father did.

Me: Ok, ok so. Indians love connecting anything and everything to India, so, how was your time in India?

SJ: Eye opening. I came here for spiritual awakening but, as I’ve said before, realised that maybe Thomas Edison did a lot more to improve the world than Karl Marx and Neem Kairolie Baba put together. Also, I almost got beaten by a mob for having an opinion on the amount of water content in my milk. Oh and I experimented with psychedelic drugs.

Me: That sounds scary.

SJ: It was. But as my father once said, “Now is not the time for fear. That comes later.”

Me: Seriously. No. Bane said that.

SJ: No, my father did. Are you accusing me of plagiarism?

Me: Speaking of plagiarism, is it true that Samsung paid apple one billion dollars in trucks filled with 5 cent coins?

SJ: Yes.

Me: So did you hire people to count the coins for you?

SJ: No, I simply created an app that scanned the trucks and counted the coins for me. I call it the iShakuntalaDevi.

Me: Rumour has it that before your death, you planned something that would change the world as we know it?

SJ: Yes. It’s something I call the iRevolutionize.

Me: Why do you call it the iRevolutionize?

SJ: No clue. It was either that or Manjyot.

Me: Would you like to throw some light on it?

SJ: The iRevolutionize is American for We’re-apple-and-we’ll-throw-some-fancy-words-around-you-without-actually-making-any-major-changes-and-you’ll-still-end-up-buying-our-sh*t-anyway-haha.

Me: Incredible. Ok last question. People say that you died too young. That the world only saw a glimpse of the genius that Steve Jobs had to offer and that you could have done much, much more. What would you say to that?

SJ: I have always said that quality is better than quantity. One home run is better than two doubles. I’m glad with what I have given to the world and I hope the world will remember me for it. *pauses* Also, as my father once said to me, “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.”

Me: OK NOW SERIOUSLY BATM-

SJ: I have to go now.

Me: BUT SIR THAT’S WHAT BATMAN SAID! SIR? SIR……..