Rameez Shaikh recounts his supernatural encounter with the with the late Steve Jobs.
Me: Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.
*insert Steve Jobs picture in a mirror*
Me: Holy mother of the wailing Yash Chopra! Bloody Mary, you’re a guy? Wait. Aren’t you a little too skinny to be Bloody Mary?
SJ: Oh no. I’m Steve Jobs.
Me: Mr. Jobs! How did you land up here? I thought I summoned Bloody Mary!
SJ: BECAUSE THEY STILL USE WINDOWS XP IN HEAVEN! I told them to replace those useless things but they just refuse to upgrade.
Me: Isn’t that your area of expertise? Why don’t you do it for them?
SJ: Because they refuse to pay me for it.
Me: But sir, why would you need money in heaven?
SJ: My father once told me, “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.”
Me: Ummmm. Didn’t the Joker say that?
SJ: No my father did.
Me: Ok, ok so. Indians love connecting anything and everything to India, so, how was your time in India?
SJ: Eye opening. I came here for spiritual awakening but, as I’ve said before, realised that maybe Thomas Edison did a lot more to improve the world than Karl Marx and Neem Kairolie Baba put together. Also, I almost got beaten by a mob for having an opinion on the amount of water content in my milk. Oh and I experimented with psychedelic drugs.
Me: That sounds scary.
SJ: It was. But as my father once said, “Now is not the time for fear. That comes later.”
Me: Seriously. No. Bane said that.
SJ: No, my father did. Are you accusing me of plagiarism?
Me: Speaking of plagiarism, is it true that Samsung paid apple one billion dollars in trucks filled with 5 cent coins?
SJ: Yes.
Me: So did you hire people to count the coins for you?
SJ: No, I simply created an app that scanned the trucks and counted the coins for me. I call it the iShakuntalaDevi.
Me: Rumour has it that before your death, you planned something that would change the world as we know it?
SJ: Yes. It’s something I call the iRevolutionize.
Me: Why do you call it the iRevolutionize?
SJ: No clue. It was either that or Manjyot.
Me: Would you like to throw some light on it?
SJ: The iRevolutionize is American for We’re-apple-and-we’ll-throw-some-fancy-words-around-you-without-actually-making-any-major-changes-and-you’ll-still-end-up-buying-our-sh*t-anyway-haha.
Me: Incredible. Ok last question. People say that you died too young. That the world only saw a glimpse of the genius that Steve Jobs had to offer and that you could have done much, much more. What would you say to that?
SJ: I have always said that quality is better than quantity. One home run is better than two doubles. I’m glad with what I have given to the world and I hope the world will remember me for it. *pauses* Also, as my father once said to me, “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.”
Me: OK NOW SERIOUSLY BATM-
SJ: I have to go now.
Me: BUT SIR THAT’S WHAT BATMAN SAID! SIR? SIR……..
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Haha. Love this.