10 Things That Should be Criminalised

Vatsala Chhibber lists some painfully annoying and potentially dangerous crimes from our everyday lives. As the Red Queen would say, “Off with their heads!”

10. Public DJs
Listening to Hookah Bar on your mobile phone is not a crime, but subjecting those around you to the same agony is certainly one. Unfortunately, some people love taking on the role of ‘public DJs’ by playing music on their phone speakers in public places. And by some twisted stroke of luck, the more unbearable the song playing around you, the greater seems to be the volume capacity of the speakers.
Punishment: Wearing headphones 24 hours a day for an entire month listening to nothing but Justin Bieber. That should help these culprits understand the hazardous effects of their listenig habits.

 

9. Careless Pedestrians
Motorists, undisciplined as they might be, are still accountable for breaking any traffic regulation. However, some pedestrians take greater risks than the most adventurous speed demon by sprinting across the road despite there being moving traffic, sometimes even sauntering across the road while vehicles come to a screeching halt.
Punishment: Being a pedestrian in Indian cities is punishment enough. We just want them to be more cautious.

 

 

 

8. Saying ‘Babes’
“Babes, can you please pass me that phone?” No matter how sweetly a girl says it or how strange her accent is, ‘babes’ will always be a word that sounds condescending. And it is grammatically incorrect. Babe – singular, babes – plural. We’re sure there must be less annoying ways of being a ditsy blonde.
Punishment: No wearing pink or straightening your hair for a year.

 

 

 

 

7. Loud Munching
Sharing a meal with a person who makes loud munching sounds while eating can easily be used as a cruel torture method. A sloppy, loud eater can make the most disciplined, tolerant monk lose his cool (along with his appetite) by his monstrous eating habits. Arresting loud, disgusting eaters is probably a significant step towards attaining world peace.
Punishment: Liquid diet for 6 months.

 

6. Bringing Infants to Movie Halls
Children are generally adorable, in photographs, at large family gatherings, in the park, etc. But the one place when most infants transform into the little devil Damien from The Omen is at movie halls. They wait for the most engaging point in the film to unleash their loud, uncontrollable wails. And if the children are slightly older, they yell out a series of unending questions at their parents.
Punishment: House arrest till these children turn 18.

 

 

 

 

5. Murdering English
From Okay to Ok to just K. The English language is being brutally murdered, one alphabet at a time. Before words lose their meanings and all human emotion is summarised by the words ‘kewl’ and ‘not kewl’, we must punish these miscreants. Punishment: Imprisonment till the guilty party can quote James Joyce’s confunding Ulysses entirely from memory.

 

 

4. Endorsements by Amitabh Bachchan
Celebrities will endure any form of public humiliation in order to secure an endorsement deal. And one can safely assume Amitabh Bachchan’s Gujarat tourism campaign will be remembered as some of the ‘most horrifying moments in advertising history.’ A 70-year-old man rapping about the cultural beauty of Gujarat is almost as intolerable as Priyanka Chopra’s album. We propose a retirement age for endorsements; just to protect the elderly from the consequences of such senile decisions.
Punishment: For every new endorsement deal signed, one of his precious gemstone rings will be confiscated.

 

3. Photo Editing Addiction
You can be sure that any image you see on social networking sites has passed through Instagram, Aviary, Hipstamatic, Snapseed and several other popular photo editing apps. There is no harm in adding filters and enhancing the colour of images but lately images are being processed multiple times until skies turn pink and the colour of the sea looks purple. Even Life of Pi didn’t use as many special effects! After all, we wouldn’t want unrealistic photography to dampen the beauty of reality, would we?
Punishment: Only black and white photography allowed for the rest of your life.

 

 

2. FDA: Facebook Display of Affection
“Hi baby, I had such a nice time yesterday. I love you! Forever!” You would think this is a personal message exchange between lovers. Well, it’s not. It’s one of the many mushy post exchanges that couples make public on their Facebook pages and unfortunately feature on our news feeds. Couples today are quite innovative with their PDA: joint Facebook accounts, profile pictures displaying 101 ways to cuddle and hourly wall post exchanges. Let’s hope couples tire of such mawkish displays and return to regular nauseating activities like snogging on Juhu beach. Keep it off our Facebook pages, guys.
Punishment: Banned from social media sites till their relationship ends.

 

 

1. Apple Upgrades
Ah, the thrill of owning the latest Apple gadget! You gleefully unpack your new iPhone 5, after finally saving enough money (and that’s a lot of saving) for the purchase. But you soon realise that one can never keep up with the frequent Apple ‘innovations’ when Apple announces the launch date of the iPhone 5S the next morning. No matter how much hard earned money you blow, Apple will always make you feel outdated – either you don’t have the new design, the new colour or the new operating system!
Punishment: If more than one upgrade of an Apple product is released within a year, Apple products should be sold at the cost of apples.

 

Volume 2 Issue 10